The Phantom of Green Eggs and Ham
by phanpiggy
Summary: Okay, I had this totally crazy idea for a phanpic-what if Erik met Sam-I-Am and was being persuaded to eat green eggs and ham? Very weird and very funny! Please read and review! Rated for language.


**Okay, so my last humorous phanphic **_**50 Things Erik Hates About Phangirls **_**was a huge success, so, I've decided to write another comedy. The famous children's book **_**Green Eggs and Ham **_**was always one of my favorites as a little girl… So I thought, what if Erik met Sam-I-Am? What would happen? Read and find out!**

**I own nothing! Phantom belongs to ALW and Leroux and Green Eggs and Ham belongs to Seuss.**

Erik sat at his organ, composing beautiful music as usual. In the midst of putting a few notes down on the manuscript in front of him, the tip of Erik's quill pen broke. Erik sighed and stood up to get another pen from his desk.

To his surprise, standing on top of his desk was a strange person… It wasn't even a person. Whatever this creature was, it stood only two or three feet high and was covered in yellow fur with the exception of his round, jolly face which although was human-like in features, was as white a sheet of paper. The thing had no clothes on, but wore a sagging, red top hat.

"Who the Hell are you?" Erik yelled at the creature.

The thing did not respond, only continued to stand there and stare at Erik with that stupid grin across his face.

"I demand that you tell me who you are!" Erik roared, just about ready to Punjab lasso this intruder.

"I am Sam. Sam-I-am," the thing spoke in an annoying, slightly childish voice.

"Your name is Sam-I-Am?" Erik couldn't help but laugh a bit. "What kind of a name is that?"

"It's my name, you see.

The name that was given to me."

"Okay, but what are you doing in my home?"

"Here I stay and here I am,

Until you've had green eggs and ham."

"Wait, are you speaking in rhyme?"

"I am, but now's not the time,

To wonder if I speak in rhyme.

I must know,

Do you like green eggs and ham? You must tell me if so!"

"That's getting annoying, Sam."

"Sam-I-Am," the yellow creature corrected.

"Right… Sam-I-Am… I don't like green eggs and ham. I've never had them or even heard of them. So, please, leave me be."

"That, I cannot do,

That is, until you've had some green eggs and ham too!"

A plate materialized out of thin air into Sam-I-Am's hand. On the plate was a whole ham and two eggs all of a bright green color.

"Try some! Try some! Even if you only try just a crumb!"

Erik looked at the plate being held out before him in utter distain.

"I don't like green eggs and ham."

"Would you like them here or there?" Sam-I-Am questioned as he pointed to different places in the room.

"No, I would not. What difference does it make? Now, get out of my house and go across the lake!" Erik screamed and sighed as he realized he was rhyming. "Great, now you've got me speaking in rhyme, you son of a bitch, get the Hell outta here before I kick you into a ditch."

Sam-I-Am persisted, "Would you like them in a house? Would you like them with a mouse?"

"We're already in a damn house! And why the Hell would I want them with a mouse!"

"Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox?"

"I didn't want them in a house or with a mouse, so what makes you think that I'd eat them in a box or with a fox?"

"Would you? Could you? In a car? Eat them! Eat them! Here they are!"

Erik looked at Sam-I-am confused, "What's a car?"

"It's a road vehicle, usually with four wheels and powered by an internal-combustion engine, designed to carry a small number of passengers."

"Oh," said Erik in understanding. "Wait! That last sentence didn't rhyme!"

"Yes it did."

"No, it did-"

Erik was cut off as the plate of green eggs and ham was shoved back into his masked face.

"You may like them. You will see. You may like them in a tree."

"Well, we're in the center of Paris, we're not going to find any frickin' trees here unless we walk all the way to the park—and I'm still not eating those grotesque things."

"A train! A train! A train! A train! Would you, could you, on a train?"

"There's no trains around here either, dumb ass."

"Say! In the dark? Here in the dark! Would you, could, you in the dark?"

"We're not in the dark, there are candles all around, and if you blow them out, I 'm going to kill you. I spend like half of my day lighting those candles because I have nothing better to do other than whine in self-pity."

"Would you, could you, in the rain?"

"We're inside, douche bag."

"You do not like green eggs and ham?"

"No, I do not! Haven't we already established that fact?"

"Would you, could you, with a goat?"

"If I didn't know that you were talking about eating here, I would think that sounded very wrong… After all, I may be deprived of a sex life, but not enough to make me do it with a goat… *whispers* I have my Christine manikin for that."

"Then, would you, could you, on a boat?"

"I could not, would not, on a boat. I will not, will not, with a goat. I will not eat them in the rain. I will not eat them on a train. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let me be! I do not like them in a box. I do not like them with a fox. I will not eat them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them ANYWHERE! I do not like green eggs and ham! I do not like them, Sam-I-am," Erik panted in exhaustion.

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Are you sure?" Sam-I-Am inquired, holding up the plate one more time enticingly.

"Yes, I am sure."

"Well, you know what?" Sam proceeded to scream. "You know what? Fuck you, bitch! Why won't you eat my frickin' green eggs and frickin' green ham! It's GREEN, Dammit! Geez, the nerve of some people!"

"Wow… This is… weird…," Erik thought.

"You know what? I'm outta here you gravy-sucking pig! I'm done with you! I'm gonna go do something better with my time like finding myself a hooker for the night! I'll be back in the morning to shoot your damn brains out off your frickin' skull and use your skull as a keychain for my man purse! Ciao!"

Sam-I-Am left Erik standing there absolutely stunned as the yellow, furry creature departed.

….

The next morning, outside of the Opera Populaire, the dead body of a man clad in black evening clothes was found. At first, it seemed to be an ordinary murder… But the head was missing off of the body and next to the corpse laid a plate of ham and eggs of a florescent green color… The police were completely baffled as to who the murderer was, until they found a note attached to the victim's clothes reading:

"You should have just eaten the green eggs and ham,

Nobody fucks with Sam-I-Am."

The police chief sighed, "The man should've known better than to mess with fictional characters."

**Okay, totally random, I know, but when I had the idea, I just had to write it! This is probably one of the weirdest fics you've ever read, but please REVIEW! That is, unless you leave a bad review, then I'll send Sam-I-Am after you!**


End file.
